You, Me & Her follows the choices a long-time married couple make when they feel like their relationship is losing that spark. This leads Ash (Ritesh Rajan) and Mags (Selina Ringel) to take a vacation to Mexico in hopes of rekindling their relationship. Once they arrive, they realize that something, or someone, unexpected awaits them. Will this trip be what they need to solve their problems, or will it drive them further apart? Ahead of the film’s official U.S. theatrical release, Asia Blooming spoke with director Dan Levy Dagerman, writer, producer, and actress Selina Ringel, and actor Ritesh Rajan about the film.
Inspired by a personal story, director Dagerman and his wife and lead actress Ringel set out to create a film based on their experience and explore how relationships can evolve and change. “Me and Dan actually went on a trip to Vegas after we had our son, and it was one of the first trips that we took on our own,” Ringel started. “We went to this club, and this very beautiful woman started hitting on me at the club, and she wanted to kiss me. And Dan was right there, and I realized that I was genuinely really curious about her too, which was something that I had never really tapped into in myself. So, I asked Dan how he felt about it, and he was like, oh my god, yeah, kiss her. So we shared this, like, really beautiful kiss, and then she was like I’d love to see you later, so then I asked Dan if I could give her my phone number, and he was like yeah. Then, we spent the next 48 hours in Vegas just talking about, like, what’s on the table, what’s not, what’s allowed, what does it mean? We were just so connected and laughing, but also talking about things that we hadn’t talked about even though we’ve been together for 12 years, and married for 10 years. Long story short, by the time we left Vegas, we were actually outlining the script, because we felt like it was such an interesting experience, and so much kind of, you know, came up for us, and we felt like other people would relate.”
Although this real-life experience for Dagerman and Ringel took place in Las Vegas, the film takes place primarily in Mexico. “I’m actually Mexican American,” Ringel began, before Dagerman chimed in to share that the two of them got married in Puerto Vallarta as well. “My parents actually lived there in that area, and so I’ve been going there for like 10 years. So we’ve been experiencing how beautiful this part of Mexico is, and it had always been a dream to film something there, because we feel like it’s such a unique, beautiful place. Riviera Nayarit has so many different areas that are stunning, so we wanted to incorporate, like, culturally, what it means to me, and then also what it means to us in terms of our own experiences being there.” And despite slightly exaggerating the plot from its real-life experience, the husband and wife aimed to use their story to create something people could relate to. “It really shows what it takes to stay honest and curious about each other in a long term committed relationship,” Ringel said. “I think that there’s so many assumptions that we start to make about each other in a partnership. There’s so many ways we start to take each other for granted, and so I’m really hoping that the conversation opens up for viewers.” Dagerman readily agreed, “It’s sort of a hyperbole of our lives, so our goal was to tell a really authentic story about a couple going through this.”
Another important part to creating the authentic story was finding the right people to play the characters. Ringel shared, “We knew right off the bat that we wanted this to be a really diverse film. We wanted it to be diverse, but where it’s not about the culture; it’s that the culture is the backdrop of the story. I’m Mexican American. Dan looks super American, but his mom is Swedish, and his dad is South African, like we are all a melting pot. And I feel like if we don’t see that melting pot, then we can’t conceptualize it, so we need to start changing the narrative of what life looks like. Life is diverse, and diversity looks like inclusion, so that was really important to us.” She continued, “Separately from that, we also were really, really careful about choosing people that A, we thought were really good actors, obviously, but B, that we also really felt comfortable with and energetically vibe with, because it’s such a personal story. We’re like, bringing someone into our life in a very intense way, and we needed to be able to say there’s a level of comfort there where you just have to make sure you’re working with people that you feel really safe with and that there’s a lot of space to kind of go off of each other. That was really important for us when we were looking at Ritesh and Sydney [Park], and they were both incredible.”
For Rajan, You, Me & Her was also an opportunity to try something new. “As an actor, I love to play a multitude of characters just for myself, because it just allows me to sharpen different tools in my toolbox. Also, as an Indian American male in Hollywood, to get the opportunity to play these types of roles is very slim. It was a no brainer, especially after meeting Selina and Dan, and reading the script,” the actor began. “There was just so much thought and depth into the story that they were telling and the message that they wanted to convey. It’s not just a rom com about a threesome and, you know, it wasn’t on the surface. For me to have the opportunity to portray a character of this nature and go through the journey of a marriage and life, especially as a mixed race couple [was meaningful]. It wasn’t necessarily a movie about our cultures, but it was a movie about these two people with these backgrounds, having this relationship, which I thought was so poignant and so effective.”
Exploring the complexities of a relationship required creating a safe environment on set. Dagerman explained, “It’s uncomfortable to talk about your own personal relationship and how to augment a story with that, so when we all came together, it was about creating a really open environment where we were comfortable talking and sharing all of these things.” Rajan added, “I have to say, I had a really beautiful experience with everybody on set. Everyone came prepared, which is always a great thing, and Dan did such a wonderful job sort of navigating the ship and being able to create a safe space for all of us. Obviously we’re dealing with some intimate, physical acting, and also emotionally, and just being able to have a clear vision as to where we’re going just makes a huge difference because you don’t feel lost as an actor. Having that safety net really allowed, I think, all of us to just explore and not feel like we’re making a wrong choice. [Throughout the project], Selina made me feel safe, and Dan made me feel safe.”
This allowed for some quiet yet meaningful moments, Ringel shared: “So much of what I love about this movie is the moments where we’re not even talking, the moments where we’re just being with each other, and how kind of natural and effortless those moments are, because I think so much of what a marriage and a long term committed relationship looks like is in between the words. There were also scenes where it’s like, I’m just looking at Ritesh, and we’re saying nothing, and that felt really intimate. Dan did such a good job holding the space so that we could really just sit in that without needing to perform. It’s like we could just really sit with each other in what the characters are feeling.”
Ash and Mags’ strained relationship is fueled by Ash’s anxiety and insecurity around Mags being the primary income earner and Mags feeling overwhelmed by her job and parenting. “I think as a mom, as a working mom, the amount of responsibility is enormous. Sometimes, it’s crushing. We also really wanted to explore this dynamic too, of a woman who’s more of a primary breadwinner than a man, which is something that Dan and I have experienced,” Ringel shared. “I think it’s a dynamic that’s shifting more and more because there are more working women and there are more women now that are making more money than men, so what does that do to the dynamics of the relationship? This threesome idea connects our characters in this light hearted way, right? But it doesn’t actually resolve the real deeper issues that still need to be resolved. I think that a lot of what happens in a relationship dynamic is that something exciting comes about, and you think you can get past all of your stuff because you’re just so focused on this really fun moment. But the truth is that a fun moment doesn’t resolve the real issues. You actually have to go in and have the hard conversations, and talk about the real issues because those are still there.”
For Rajan, the movie can best be described in one word: spicy. “As an Indian person, you know, when I think of the word spicy, I don’t think of just heat. I think of layering of flavors, and I think that’s what this movie does on the surface. The threesome sort of brings you in. It excites you. It makes you sweat. It gets you excited, and it gets the endorphins going. But then as the movie starts playing, you realize, oh, wow, there’s a lot of nuanced ingredients in this story that reflect that authenticity [Dan and Selina wanted].” Dagerman added, “This movie is about relationships, and I think watching it [can push you to] have a new conversation you’ve never had about yourself and your relationship dynamic.”
You, Me & Her will be playing in over 200 theaters across the U.S. starting on February 14.
